Envy and Self Defeat Reveals Its Face Whenever I'm Triggered
I had to face demons deep within introspection. In my stillness, I no longer avoided it to see my clear water reflection.
When I wrote the 1st draft of this story, I was in a very dark place, but I thank God I have someone who brought me back to the light. In this second draft, I’m still in the twilight. I pray that joy comes in the morning.
Do you ever feel jealous of others? Do you ever wonder if you're not where they are? It can be strangers on social media, people in your home town or people right in your family. I've felt envy for all of the above. Why? I don't know. I've been trying to get to the root of it. Without getting too deep into my business, a sibling recently came into some money and moved out of town. Another family member went on vacation and stopped by to see this sibling.
I was told how nice their place was. I guess that's a trigger because the sibling who once lived with me and I helped insure their car, I never really felt appreciated by them. They act inconsiderate and entitled. Another trigger is the "family member" Is on vacation, and I've watched their house and animals for many years. Why? I'm always available, I guess. I work, come home, and everyone thinks I'm single with no life. I live 5 minutes away, so that doesn't help. I hope they never see this. These are the anxious thoughts that I'm working out.
It never occurred to my family that I'm tired of watching you go on vacation looking out for your animals after ten years. I know that will sound petty and selfish, but I'm exposing one of the seven deadly sins that have been subtle, and I've kept it to myself. If you watch online motivation gurus, you are never supposed to compare your life to others. Well, I have. I've looked at others' success as my defeat instead of the many gifts God has given to me.
When I found out how nice my sibling's place was, I thought, why them and not me? Hey, maybe it's just their time for abundance. That is the rational idealist talking. Let me get back to the envious defeatist. My ego told me why I was not further in my life. Why am I at a job beneath me, and I'm way more talented than him, so why…